You know how when people ask you “what’s new?” and you totally blank as if nothing new has ever happened to you in your life? Well, that is definitely not us lately!
Go ahead, ask us what’s new.
…
Funny you should ask, because for starters, we got new swag! T-shirts arrived a couple weeks ago (four new colors), and mid-weight hoodies just showed up this week (four colors as well). Oh, how our poor merch closet overfloweth. So to help entice you to pick up some new seasonal clothing, and subsequently help us with our bloated hangers, the new hoodies even have our unofficial motto: To Beer or Not To Beer… Is That Even a Question?
Never let it be said that we’re not cultured. Actually, that reminds me of a fart joke…
But there’s no time for that! There’s so much new stuff that’s happening here, like the fact we just held our second Books & Brews: Spooky Book Fair. Same as before, our friends at Wildflower Bookshop didn’t disappoint with their spread of books, and it didn’t take long before the taproom started filling up with regulars as well as new faces, nearly all of them checking out the tables on the stage. As for our part, being the cool cultured people we are, we put out sheets with beer and book pairing recommendations, just in case you needed the help. For instance, if you’re interested in history, we recommended our Münchkin Märzen. True crime? One of the THC seltzers. Erotica/romance? Obviously the Mlinar Delight Raspberry Smoothie Sour.
And attendees of the first Books & Brew event may remember that we had an info sheet on our various beers that are named after Stephen King characters. Quite fitting, especially since we’re in the midst of the spooky season, after all. But would you believe it, we only have ONE King named beer on tap at the moment!! If it wasn’t for bad planning, we’d have no planning at all. So yeah, we skipped that info sheet this time.
Hey, at least I wore my Kafka cockroach T-shirt this time. Talk about being cultured!
If all this reading has put you in a storied kind of mindset, perhaps we can recommend you come to the taproom this weekend for Storyteller’s Sunday! It’s the return of the storytellers after the summer sabbatical, and to properly mark this return, Michael Goldberg of Stay Human on 91.7 KAXE will be recording the different tales for possible air time on the show. As always, Storyteller’s Sunday is open to all storytellers, whether you planned something in advance or you just happen to be reminded of an interesting thing that happened years ago and you wanna wing it. And being October, the theme this month is “eeriness.” With any luck, we’ll hear a few ghost stories this time around. In fact, I know of at least one. Maybe yours will make it two. Story time is from 1 to 3 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 20.
And all this is the precursor to our anniversary week! And what, you may ask, is happening for that? In short, just a big thank you to you, the fabulous customers. And no, don’t be modest. You’re totally fabulous. Who else has such impeccable taste?? To thank you for seven years of keeping us in business, we’re holding a seven-centric sale the whole week. From Oct. 21 through 28 (yes, we’re aware that is 8 days), shrubbery is now $7 a can, $17 for a 4-pack, and $70 for a case of 24!
And beer is $7 for a pint! Yeah, we know that’s what it always is. Just gonna have to deal with it. To make up for that, we’re making beer 4-packs and growler fills $7 as well!
To cap off the week, on Friday, Oct. 25, is the return of Brothers Burn Mountain! It’s really easy to remember what time they start: 7:00 p.m.
And that’s basically just the next week. We’ll get into the stuff happening at the end of the month next time. Spoiler: it’s all pretty awesome too.
Ok, now that we got all that out of the way: What did the unimpressed butt have to say? Pfft.
We Barley Know You, But We Hop to Change That. It’s the Yeast We Can Do: Klockow Forklift
Question: We’re sitting here with the Klockow’s forklift. How’re you doing today?
Klockow Forklift: Oh, a little sleepy. My battery is kinda low.
Q: Tough to hear. How long have you worked here?
KF: I was one of the first employees, even before any of the humans were hired!
Q: That’s impressive. Well, in all that time, what’s your favorite Klockow beer?
KF: Uh, my favorite is probably the distilled water.
Q: But that’s not a beer?
KF: Lamosezwhat.
Q: What?
KF: Hmm?
Q: Nevermind. So, why the distilled water?
KF: Ooh, it charges my batteries real good. I got a real big battery.
Q: That’s fair. So… uh… besides the distilled water, what else do you like to consume.
KF: Love plugging into my charger for electricity! Then the water comes full circle, so that my batteries hold the charge so that I can work hard and lift heavy things. Not that you would know anything about that.
Q: Oh, wait. What was that?
KF: …
Q: But anyway yes, I hear you lift very heavy things.
KF: Not to brag, but I am stronger than Max.
Q: …That’s f***king ridiculous.
KF: Hey believe it or not.
Q: I’m gonna wait for proof. In the meanwhile, I hear that people that are forklift certified are infamously sexy. Why is that?
KF: As per law, and for safety in general, only the elite can operate me. And there’s an air about those folks: they naturally get more women, they’re more attractive in general, they study hard, they fill out paperwork, and they even watch crazy YouTube videos.
Q: That makes sense. This is all very logical. So tell me more about what you do at the brewery.
KF: I suppose, just this once, I can take a command from someone who isn’t forklift certified. Let’s see, I’m kinda the workhorse in general. I go outside a lot. Get to move things out of trucks. Lift heavy things. I’m so strong, I’ve lifted all the tanks back there.
Q: All of the tanks?
KF: All of the tanks. And the canning line. The brewing system. I’m pretty strong, I’ve lifted it all. Not gonna lie.
Q: That is impressive. You might be stronger than Max. What do you like to do for fun though?
KF: Honestly, just lay low. My top speed isn’t too fast, so I just move around at a walking pace. Not into that speed stuff. I just wanna chill.
Q: What’s a fun/interesting fact about yourself, besides being stronger than Max?
KF: Fun story, one time my accelerator got stuck wide open.
Q: Really? What does that mean?
KF: That means I wasn’t even thinking about it and was just going! Luckily, my operator was certified. So in that panicked situation they were able to stop it and fix my accelerator.
Another fun fact, I get serviced multiple times a year. There’s a special company, they come by and give me a whole once-over. You know, greasing the parts and dusting off any build up that they find. Those are the days I look forward to, when the attention is all on me. That’s the day that I get sexy.
Q: Alright, last question: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
KF: I’d have to say flight. Being so strong, I’m kinda heavy, so I can’t really get off the ground. If I could have the power of flight, like even just on a plane, I’d be the happiest piece of machinery ever.
Q: That’s a wonderful dream. But wait… you’re real heavy. You’re super strong. One more question… could you lift yourself?
KF: Uhhh… that is the ultimate question. Could I even lift myself?? [stares longingly in the distance with the existential dread]
~
Thanks for checking out our humble little brewery! As long as you keep coming by, we’ll do our part by making the best damn beer possible and serving it in our always inviting atmosphere.
The Klockow Staff
Beer and Shrubbery Drops this Week:
Local, etc -
Sammy’s - Grand Rapids
Pokegama Plaza Liquor - Grand Rapids
SuperOne Liquor - Grand Rapids
Bottles & Brews Liquor - Grand Rapids
Timberlake Lodge - Grand Rapids
Raven Stone - Coleraine
Smoke on the Water - Coleraine
Unwined Up North - Grand Rapids
NoPo Coffee - Grand Rapids
North of metro, etc. -
Home Town Liquor - Braham
Milaca Off Sale
Liquor Works - Forest Lake
Minneapolis, etc. -
Princeton’s Liquors - Maple Grove
Top Ten Liquors - Roseville
South Lyndale Liquors - Minneapolis
Ombibulous - Minneapolis